Turning 30 as a virgin cyberstalker.

Amongst the smurf story of tonight's Private Practice was my own personal nightmare of a story. The story of the 35-year-old virgin who wanted her marriage night to be magic so she waited. And waited. And then her hooha was broken. Broken. They said it's not the kind of thing that can get broken, but let's be honest - it was broken. She couldn't have sex because of muscle spasms. Thirty-five years old and the first time she tries to have sex it's so painful that she can't. Her first three weeks of marriage are spent sexless. Sexless.

Now, those that know me know that I'm looking forward to that magic. There was a period (it has passed) when I thought the best part of marriage was going to be the sex. Now, I'm intending it to be second only to the emotional connection. The sex is going to be magic. I don't care if I need to go through every page in Karma Sutra. The sex is going to be magic.

Of course, thinking of sex always leads me to thinking of guys from my past, which always ends up with Shawn. What should have been the greatest love of my life Shawn.

Shawn and I were guaranteed to have great sex. I know everyone says things like "you can't know how it takes the turns until you take it for a test drive" or "you need some time to break in the shoes." Yeah, I don't buy it. In part because I knew with Shawn the sex would be amazing and we never needed to have sex to know it. I am confident we would've had awesome, amazing, toe-curling, loud enough to be heard several cities over sex. Unfortunately, it's all we would've had. And even when I thought sex was going to be the best part of marriage, I wasn't willing to give up having great secondary and tertiary aspects to the marriage.

And thinking of Shawn always ends up in me pulling of his family's webpage. His new family's webpage. His page with his wife and his now-one-year-old daughter.

I blame it on turning thirty. That's my new excuse for pretty much everything now. I'm turning thirty. Emotional? It's 'cause I'm turning 30. Forgetful? Turning 30. Not returning your phone calls? Turning 30. Cyberstalking my ex-boyfriend that I never intended to marry anyhow so it's completely ridiculous that now that he's married with a baby I'm suddenly wishing we had gotten married? Yeah, it's because I'm turning 30.

He was a good guy. Sweet, strong, funny, quiet. He was interspersedly my best friend. But, ultimately, our relationship would have failed because all the really important things weren't there. We didn't agree on any of the major things about life - religion, politics, what we wanted family-wise, where we were going career-wise, where we would want to live, what types of daily lives we would want to have. And we wouldn't have worked well together on the minor things in life, like who takes out the trash and how many covers you have on the bed and where you put which dishes. So, it was bound to end.

But...

Man. Tonight, when I'm now terrified that my hooha is going to break before I ever get to fully use it and I finish cyberstalking Shawn by looking at him sleeping with his daughter on his chest . . . well, I just wish it could have ended differently.

But, that's really just because I'm turning 30 soon.